Human beings learn everything, everything, from the people around them. Babies and children learn untold amounts of information from their parents and families, from language to religion, manners, and culture and custom. By watching and interacting with our parents, we learn to behave. We learn how the world works. We learn how to act and interact with the world around us. Parents are models on which we base all our actions.
Some of us have an especially hard time learning how to play the game because our parents or other families members don’t play by the right rules. Parents have a sacred duty to raise children, but having children doesn’t automatically turn people into parents. When people are abusive or let drug addiction get in the way of raising their children, their actions and behaviors can pass on a set of very dangerous lessons. Here are three worst things my parents taught me.
#1 It’s okay to lie to get what you want
Drug addicts want drugs. Need drugs. They don’t usually care about a lot of other things. Food. Safety. Hygiene. None of those things are important as drugs. My parents lied a lot in order to get money for drugs. Then they lied some more to cover up where they had been or what they had been doing. They lied to me to get me to fork it over. They lied to their parents, siblings and friends. They lied to parents of my friends, which then implicated me in their lies. They did it over and over, and generally got away with it. At worst, someone stopped talking to them because he or she never got their money back. I think I fared worse than my parents. Suddenly, I wasn’t welcomed at a friend’s house because my dad owed his dad forty bucks!
#2 If you need something, take it
My room was never off limits to my parents. Some parents will agree with this because they want to monitor their children’s activities. But my parents did not monitor, they would take things to sell or pawn. I tried to hide money everywhere. In the CD player, in a drink carrier, under my bed. My sister bought me a fancy necklace for babysitting all summer, so I hid it in floppy disk storage. Before long, it was gone. Things I didn’t hide would go too. A game station I got from Christmas, my bike I bought with my own money. One day, they weren’t there anymore. Sometimes I had to the nerve to confront my dad. He was a hard man with a short temper.
Where is my bike, I would say.
I needed money, he would bark at me.
My parents also emptied out my bank account. Since minors aren’t allowed to have accounts my themselves, they were able to do this with ease. All my confirmation money gone up in smoke.
I was not asked if they could borrow or have, I was not informed ahead of time, that these things were going to be taken. I was never assured that I would get the things back or that they were sorry they had to take them. I wasn’t ever told where the money went. My parents made it very clear that they could do whatever they wanted with my stuff and I couldn’t do anything about it.
#3 It’s better to both lose than let the other person win
My dad started this game but my mom has since become the master of it. My parents are still married, which is beyond a mystery to me. How many times have they gone to jail, how many times have they been to the hospital, because of how they mistreat each other? But moving on is somehow much much harder. I tried to convince my mom to leave him. She had a dozen excuses, from where she would live to how she would pay for the divorce. I had answers to all these ridiculous cop-outs, but it was no use. Sooner or later, we got to the real issue; if she leaves him, he’ll get the house; he’ll get the car. She just can’t let that happen. She can’t walk away with nothing while he gets everything. Thank god her children have grown up and moved away, but not before the abuse and neglect changed who they were forever, all because it she thinks it’s better to hold on to something as stupid as a car instead of taking her children some place safe.